Marriage and Children

   The joys of marriage is the goal of all of us. We all hope and dream of finding “the one” to spend our lives with. How do we get there? Throughout the past few weeks we have covered the four steps of a relationship. The four steps are: Dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. In my last post I talked about the joy of dating. Now I’d love to touch on the other three.

   

   Courtship is a very old term. This is the period of time when a couple is dating to see if they are ready for marriage. During this time they learn more about each other on a deeper level. The engagement period is when the couple have made commitments to each other before marriage. It is important to know and remember the couple have made individual commitments as well as a joint commitment.

  

   The engagement period is a very special time because it allows the a couple a chance to grow closer together as they plan the wedding. This also a time to make decisions together and see how well the couple is able to do so. It is also great practice for making future decisions. While it is great to have family be part of the wedding they should not necessarily be part of the planning. As I have already mentioned during the engagement is a great time to practice making decisions together. Families need to remember that it is the couple’s wedding. The couple can turn to the family every once in a while if they absolutely need to. When a couple plans things together it creates an inter dependency between the spouses, making their bond stronger as the planning and marriage progress.

   

  The average wedding now costs $32,000. This is astonishing to me. Research has shown couples who spend more on the engagement ring and the wedding itself are more likely to get a divorce than those who spend less. The wedding day is the happiest day for girls. The happiest day however, should not cost an arm and a leg. It is completely possible to have just as special a day for a whole lot less. Why are couples who spend more on a ring and wedding more likely to get a divorce? The amount of money spent creates expectations throughout the rest of the marriage, when those expectations aren’t met the marriage can begin to wobble.

   

   We are counseled in the scriptures to leave mother and father and cleave unto our spouses. Marriage is a wonderful time in life. It is the time to grow together and start our own families. Children are blessing given to us by the Lord. It is the duty and privilege for parents to raise children. They are to raise them in love and righteousness, to do the best they can.

  

   Children are, and can be a hand full. When a couple has their first child the marriage roles shift.  Husband and wife are now also mother and father. The dynamic of their lives changes too. A mother work is now increased to sixty hours because of that child. Taking care of a baby is extremely tiring, but rewarding. I’ve only taken care of my niece and nephew for a few hours and was tired from entertaining them. I have so much admiration and respect for my sister in-law who does it every day. While a new baby, and children in general are time consuming it is important for the parents to make time for themselves. New husbands seem to take longer to adjust because the mother’s attention has shifted. The birth of the first child sees a decrease in marital satisfaction. This trend continues as more children come. How can this be helped so satisfaction doesn’t decrease? Spouses should set a time for themselves to reconnect with each other. Maintaining a happy, loving marriage is the most important thing a husband and wife can do, together and with their children. 

The Joy of Dating

   When one thinks of the word date, what comes into their head? When I think of the word date I think of doing something fun with someone. A date is that opportunity to get to know someone better, while trying something new. I love that aspect of dating. I get to try something new. I’ve only been on a handful of dates while in college. Some of the dates are more memorable than others, but all of them are memorable for one reason or another. One of my favorite dates was the chance to go rock climbing. I learned that rock climbing can be fun and not so scary. This date also taught me that with the right person I can do things I never would. I loved that date because he pushed me to succeed, and I did. My arms hurt afterwards, but it was a good hurt, and a reminder that I did accomplish something new.

   

    This week in class I learned a new perspective on dating. In class we drew a lot from Elder Oaks talk on what constitutes a date. According to Elder Oaks, with the help of his granddaughter he describes a date as something that is planned, paid for, and paired off. What does this mean? When a date is planned it means that there is some activity set in place for the two people to do. It is important to know and remember, a planned date does not have to be a big event. While it is important to have an idea on what to do for the date, it is equally important to plan something to get to know the person. Some of my favorite dates were always the simple ones, ones we had a chance to talk and laugh.

   

   While in class we compared the concept of planned, paid for, and paired off with the proclamation. In the proclamation it is the responsibility of the father to preside, provide, and protect his family. These teachings are related. While on a date the man is responsible for the woman. This is, in a way the man protecting the woman while they are paired off with each other. They are responsible for each other, while together.

   

   Planning the date can be both scary and exciting. When a guy is planning the date he is practicing his ability to preside over an event. This skill will become even more important when having a family. It is the responsibility of the husband to lead family home evening. If he practices his skills now they will be perfected as time goes on. Paying for a date can be the scariest, besides asking the girl out. Paying for a date shows the man’s willingness to do it. This concept can be related to providing. Providing is just as important as the other two points of Elder Oaks talk. When the man provides the things for the date it shows the girl what he is capable of doing for us. We women should reciprocate in kind, the way we know how. Our responsibility is to nurture.

  

   We are to nurture our families and those around us. In the process of dating, when we nurture the man he is more likely to try. When we acknowledge he has done a great job with what he has we boost his confidence. Dating is a process. It is a trial of give and take. We are to give the support we can, and we are to take the support when offered. The last topic discussed in class was the different types of love. There are three types I’d love to focus on. The first type of love is called Eros. Eros is passionate love.

  

   This kind of love I feel is the first one we all experience or will experience in the beginning stages of a relationship. The word Eros is Greek in origin and is where we get the word erotic. However, if a relationship is filled with nothing but Eros it can burn out quickly. The other type of love is Philia. This is brotherly love. This kind of love a person feels towards roommates or really close friends.  The third type of love is Storge love. This love is the love that exists between a parent and child. The love between a parent and child is a very special kind of love. No matter what the child does or will do a parent will love them. There is a special bond between parent and child that cannot be broken.

  

   All three types of love are important in their own way. They are just as important together as they are apart. There is someone for everyone. I know for me personally, I will get married. I will find my eternal companion. He will be my best friend, my partner, and helper in raising my children. We must all go through the ups and downs of dating. Let us remember to have fun going on dates. As we do we will learn a little more about ourselves, the person we are with, and the person we are meant to be with.

The brain:The ways of men and women

I loved this week’s discussion on gender roles and behaviors. We were able to talk about a lot of different things given the time we have in class. I loved having to think of ways guys are different from girls besides the usual answers. As I was writing down my differences I had to stop and really think before I wrote something down. In the times we live in today what makes girls and guys different can be argued more so then they used to be. One of my answers was brain process. We naturally think differently than our counter parts. It was great to see why men have certain behaviors and to remember they have their strong points as well. It is why Heavenly Father made man and woman. We need each other to balance each other out and complete each other. Yes, I know it’s corny but it is also true.

    

   Another topic I enjoyed was the subject of what constitutes a person as a tomboy. My mother is a tomboy. I love my mother and I love what she can do, and has done for me. It was interesting to me to learn how and what makes a tomboy. It happens early in development. One question I’ve often asked both my parents was if they were upset that I was a girly girl. I would often ask them did they want another tomboy. They always gave the same answer: “No, it’s nice to have a girly girl we can spoil and live vicariously through.” This answer always made me feel better about myself and who I was. This discussion also helped me understand why my dad thinks the way he does. I know now it’s because of what is in the brain. I don’t have to accept the answer “He’s daddy, you know how daddy is.”

    

   We also talked about behaviors that are “sex type tendencies”. In class we discussed male and female tendencies. Women tend to be more expressive with their feelings. They lean toward more social playing, playing with others, and because they tend to play with others they are more likely to be cooperative. We also tend to think of things in a relationship kind of way. Men tend to be more aggressive with their feelings. They see almost everything as a competition, and tend to have more special orientation.

     

   Spatial orientation is the ability to maintain a sense of direction with a surrounding area. A test was done some years ago to see men and women’s thinking pattern at certain times. One test had the men follow directions to get from one place to the other. The men were blind-folded and told which way to go by a tap on the shoulder. When the test was done the men were given a map and asked how to get to a certain point on the map. The men passed. This same test was given to the women, who unfortunately didn’t do so well. Another test was given, this time to see if men and women remember details. Women were placed in a cluttered room for a few minutes then taken out. They were asked if they could remember anything that was in that room. The women could remember almost everything and gave great details of where everything was in relation to other things in the room. The men were given the same test and sadly didn’t do so well this time. So why is this?

  

   Scientist who study the brain have seen that men and women have different amounts of brain matter. Men have more gray matter. This part of the brain is responsible for cataloging and compartmentalizing. It is why we say men have “one track brains.” Women have more white matter. This is the part of the brain that is able to focus on more than one thing. It is often why women multi-task better than men. They are also able to think of everything in relation to another. An example would be: When my first child does this, it upsets my second child, which will then upset this part of the house. I loved this week’s class. I was able to learn something new that day and get some of my own answers on the male and female brain. It was a great reminder to me that “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

Family: Culture and tradition

   When we think of the word culture we think of a specific country and the practices of that country. What is culture? Culture is defined as the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular ethnic, or social group. Since the beginning of time human beings have had a need to belong. We want to belong. The whole world is made of people of different ethnicities, values, and beliefs. These factors make up who we are. However, no one culture, and people are the same, neither is one culture or people right above others. People are shaped by the experiences they face and what is around them. This is especially true for us as Americans. America was shaped by Britain.

  

  In early history England was the mighty seat of power for many countries. These countries adopted British behaviors and values, while maintaining a sense of their own identity. Over time countries gained a sense of independence. They started seeing their culture as the best and only way to do things. This is not true. One should take into account just because one solution worked for one country does not mean it will work for another. The ability for countries to face challenges their own way is also part of the identity and culture of a country. We all have agency. We all have the power to choose for ourselves what we will do, countries are no different. It is not our place, or right to impose specific ways of thinking, values, and beliefs on a country. When we do this we are taking a country’s identity away, and ultimately its culture. Diversity makes this world an interesting place to live. No one country is right or wrong, but each has their own rights as a country. Different cultures makeup the world.

  This idea of different cultures can also be applied to the family. Each family has their own set of behaviors, beliefs, and values. In class this week I learned the meaning and difference between tradition and ritual. A ritual is something that is done on a day to day basis, or at a specific time of year. My personal examples of rituals include mom’s macaroni and cheese at Christmas, and in what order my family arrives for Christmas. Tradition is something that is handed down from one generation to another. Popular examples of tradition include beliefs, stories and legends, and customs. Traditions can also apply to the family because without stories being told or customs to hand down who will keep them alive from generation to generation? We also discussed the immigration of Latino families and the costs and effects it has on them. According to the Pew research center six million undocumented Latinos live in the United States. 1.7 million Of them were under eighteen. The center wanted an in-depth look into the effects coming to the U.S. has on families, to learn more please read this article. https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/287582-Campus.2017.Fall.FAML160/FAML%20160%2001%2c%2014/Lesson%2003-%20Social%20Class%20%26%20Cultural%20Diversity/The%20Costs%20of%20Getting%20Ahead%2c%20from%20Smith%2c%20et%20al.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=JbRGBprq6ZL85EOfCklIWYb3W

The Family Roles

   This week in my family class we discussed the rules and roles of the family. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it reads: “HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

   

    These paragraphs in the Proclamation outline the roles of mothers and fathers. They are to love their children and teach them well. In the family different systems and patterns emerge. There a four main systems in the family: System Theory, Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction, and Conflict Theory. System theory is the theory of the family working to accomplish goals. This theory works best when there are rules and roles. Exchange theory is the theory that focuses on doing something to get something out of it. Symbolic theory focuses on non-verbal communication. The final theory is conflict theory. This theory uses power to gain influence. Each of these theories is effective in one family or another, sometimes more than one theory can work.

   

   An example of systems theory is everyone in the family working together to get somewhere on time. An example of exchange theory could be if you do the dishes this time, you won’t have to do them again for another week. An example of symbolic interaction can be when mom gives “the look.” When we see this look we know to obey whatever, mom says. An example of conflict theory is the older sibling using its power to influence the younger ones. As we have already discussed the family is the most important unit. It is ordained of God.

   

   In the family each member has a role. They have the role of brother, sister, mother, father, and child. Within these roles are a set of rules. These rules determine how the person in their role behaves. Another topic discussed was the relationship of the family, and each individual’s relationship to others in the family. In class we looked at a concept called family mapping. Family mapping is the process of drawing a map of the family, starting with the parents. Once we establish the type of relationship mom and dad have, we can start mapping the relationship of the children to the parents and each other. This concept is very helpful in seeing the dynamics in the family. As we try to understand the roles and rules of the family we can better understand and accomplish the goals Heavenly Father has for each family.

Family

   The Family: “God gave us families to help us become what he wants us to be. This is how he shares his love, for the family is of God’’. I love this quote because it reminds us why we have families and why they are so important. The family is of God. As human beings we have a basic need/want to belong, to fill this need we have families. The term family is defined as: A primary social group and their offspring. However, as times change we see this definition of family being blurred.

  In our world today, a family can consist of single parents and their children, two people of the same gender and their children, or blended families. When did the family change? I feel to understand this question we must first go back to the beginning. Since the beginning of time families have existed. Families made societies. This is especially true during the “baby boom”. The baby boom took place after WWII, with 3.7 children born to the average family. By the end of the baby boom 77.3 million babies were born in the U.S. and 450 million babies worldwide.

   In 1968 “The Population Bomb” came out. In the book, Dr.Ehrlich argues there are people starving and in some countries there is the problem of over population. He focuses on the ethics of having so many children and the emphases on environmental resources. There is degradation. He asks the question of what kind of world are our children going to live in, and what effect will that have in generations to come? The book influenced common views by having us assume the population will always grow. The book also influenced us to believe that population growth at the rate it was going would be bad. These views are still widespread, as more and more people around the world aren’t having children and the world population is declining.

     A TV special called “The New Economic Reality” takes a look at the effects families are having on the economy, both in the United States and around the world. Three important concepts focused on by the video were Population, Fertility Rates, and Birth Rates. Population is the total number of people living in a region.  Birth Rates is the number of births per 1000 people born in a population during a year. Fertility Rates is the average number of children born over the lifetime of the average mother. Over the last few decades the population has been going up, while the birth and fertility rates have gone down. Why is this?

    The first thing to notice and that the program points out is people are now living longer. This may not seem a big deal, but as people began living longer they had less children to replace them. A whole generation can be gone in a matter of years because people aren’t having kids.

   Other reasons birth and fertility rates are plummeting is families now say they can’t take care of more than one or two children, they don’t see the value in having a big traditional family, and others want to focus on careers. While taking care of children can be expensive, and while it is a good reason not to have a bigger family, it should not be the only reason. In the scriptures we learn that God will provide for every needful thing.

     Careers are important. Careers exists to help us make a living. When it comes to careers let us hope we all find something we want to do for a living otherwise our “careers” become our jobs, something we have to do, not something we want to do. It is important to remember why we have careers: to take care of our families.

   The argument that there is no value in a big traditional family was also addressed in the video. The documentary interviewed a number of people on the street and asked them their opinions on the traditional family. Some of the responses were: Having a big family is not important, it isn’t modern, and we don’t need traditional families anymore, while others are still trying to figure it out. When asked if the family was important in general the answers were different variations of yes. Almost all of them agreed that family is the main support group. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. In my own opinion I think it sad others don’t see the value of families as we see it.

We as members of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints see families as sacred gifts from God. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says: “Marriage is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of his children.” I love my family. I love what they do for me. They, along with Heavenly Father make me the person I’m meant to be.

   When generations pass and these standards, or lack of, standards, become the norm and they lose touch with the ways things used to be. This new way becomes the new norm.

life

My name is LiMing. I am from West Virginia. I'm studying international studies with the hope of being a translator interpreter and journalist. I love my family!!! I'm the youngest of three. One of my favorite things to do with my family is travel to new countries. I also love to read, write, and do karate. I'm excited about this semester because of what I'll learn in my classes and from other people.