Parenting

   The semester is almost over. I can’t believe how fast it has gone. I guess it’s true what people say about time goes by faster the older you get. I only have five more family classes before I move on to next semester. This week in class we talked about parenting. We specially talked about different types of parenting.

   

   We focused on the three types: Autocratic, Permissive, and active. An Autocratic parent is one who is very strict with their child. They have expect their child to obey them in everything, because they are the parent and they know best. These parents rule with an iron fist. A permissive parent is one who is too relaxed when it comes to parenting. They don’t have any rules and are often under the child’s control. The active parent is a healthy mix of both. They are active in their child’s life without controlling them, but have a fair amount of control so the child can feel safe in coming to them with any problems.

   

   Each of these parenting styles do have their own challenges. When a child is too autocratic, controlling and strict their child is more likely to rebel and act out to feel a sense of freedom from mom and dad’s rules. When a parent is too permissive the child is likely to take life threatening risks because they feel their parents don’t care enough about them to stop them. They adopt the attitude of “my parents let me do whatever I want because they are cool with anything.” This can and will get the child in trouble when they are younger and as they grow into teenagers and young adults. Active parenting is the one of the best styles of parenting. It combines the strict with the freedom. The challenge comes when trying to balance the two.

   

   In class we talked about the problem solving model. When your child misbehaves or does not follow a rule you can apply the model. The first question you ask yourself is whose problem is it, the child or parent. An example used is when you, the parent let your child borrow the car and they return it with no gas. Whose problem is it? Ask yourself who is it hurting? In this case it would be you the parent. Once that is identified, make a polite request to your child to fill up the tank next time they use it, remember tone of voice is everything. If the problem continues use what is called an “I” message saying “I don’t appreciate when you don’t fill up the tank after using the car.” The next step is to use a firmer tone of voice. If these first three steps don’t help move to logical consequences.

   

   When trying to come up with logical consequences talk about what would be an appropriate consequence with your child, so they can think about it and come up with their own ideas. Talk about the consequences beforehand. Help your child make choices together. These choices are called if/then, when/then. These options can be used with the car example. “If you don’t fill up the car then no car for three days. One way to use the when/then example is when you do then this will happen.  Logically connect the consequence to the action. Remember to be firm and fair with the consequence you and your child agreed on. It is equally important to follow through with the consequence you and your child agreed on. The last step is to give your child a second chance, after all they are who they are and will make mistakes. As long as they truly learn from them, a second chance is always an option.

   

   The last thing we talked about is the responsibility of the parents to meet the child’s needs.  Besides the basic needs, an extremely important need for children is the need of contact.  When a child has contact with their parents they develop a sense of belonging, and a sense of knowing they are wanted. There a different kinds of human contact, a simple touch, looking them in the eye, or hug. We all have the need and want to belong. When we belong to something or feel wanted it gives us power. We have power over ourselves because we know who we are. Once we know who we are we can make decisions that will make us happy and those around us happy.

Family life

    “Throughout history, in every culture, whether in poverty or prosperity, there has been the ever-present need to shelter, clothe, feed, and care for each other.” I love this quote because it is true, and will always remain true. This week due to Thanksgiving I only had my family class once this week, but I stilled learned a ton. This week we discussed family life, specifically, how it has changed over time.

   

   The family is the fundamental basis in our lives. In the family we learn how to live, take care of ourselves and others, and how to cooperate with others. In the family we learn how to love, serve, and teach others. We learn these skills as children from our parents. Our parents are our best teachers.

   

   Since the beginning of time husband and wife have worked together, side by side to make a living for each other and later their children. When one pictures a typical working family in history the picture of dad working in the fields, and mom working in the kitchen comes to mind, while the children worked with the parents. This picture is not completely true, in fact this idea of dad gone working and mom at home doing the house work is a fairly recent development. Husband and wife would work together in the fields alongside their children. This dynamic built family ties.

    

   Studies have shown boys and girls communicate differently, well we all knew that, but how differently? Young women and mothers are more apt to talk things out amongst each other while doing things. An example of this could be women are more likely to talk things out while in a group cooking, sewing, or just in a group enjoying each other’s company. Men are more likely to talk about things while working shoulder to shoulder. This means they will talk while doing physical labor. While doing the labor it gives the men a chance to think before they speak.

   

    Over time the family stopped working side by side. As the 19^th and 20^th century came into view men started working away from home leaving the women to work the house. As the men left the children became deprived of the bonding working side by side with dad created. This in turn did not prepare their children for the work load at home. I believe it also left them not being able to express their problems as well. As fathers went off to work, children took up the work at home. This changed family life as well. As dad went away for work he slowly becomes a stranger in his own house.

    

   In the family the work the family does together helps to teach roles. Parents help develop leadership skills in their children. They also help develop helping roles and skills. Work does not have to be boring, or horrible. It can build a child’s sense of accomplishment. An example used in class was a garden. A student has her three children and husband help plant flowers in their garden. She understands and helps her children understand that the garden will take time and a lot of hard work, but when all is said and done she shows her three children what they made happen because of their hard work. They made the flowers grow. This to me is a great example because it shows the good and sense of accomplishment that can come from doing work.

   

   “Family identity is built moment by moment amidst the talking and teasing, the singing and storytelling, and even the quarreling and anguish that may attend such work sessions.” We are on this earth to accomplish many things in our lives. We cannot do it with our families, and through our own hard work. Parents teach your children the value of hard work. Help your children in that work. You will grow closer to your children this way than by any other way. Your children will have great memories of you teaching them to do something that will help them later in life. They will talk to you about what’s going on in their lives. 

Communication

    “Communication is key.” This is a sentence often used by couples and the human race in general. This is true, but it is not the only truth. It is true that communication plays a giant role in any relationship, be it between parent, and child, siblings, significant others, and spouses but it is not the only factor in a successful relationship.

   

   What does the word influence mean? According to the dictionary one definition of influence is the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, and opinions of another or others. The influence of others affects our daily lives. I know for me my mother’s influence played a huge role in how I acted, behaved, or said to others. Parents hope all the time that they are a good influence on their kids. How does one become a good influencer? Communication. There are different forms of communication. My mother always used the example of pen pals or when people met each other at formal dances. She would always say if there was a spark between the two dance partners they would write each other and talk to each other through letters. Writing is one form of communication, but we don’t really write letters anymore.

  

   The most beneficial way of communicating in my opinion is face to face. When we have face to face talks it is easier to make plans, or explain things better. However, face to face conversations do have their own problems. One thing I did not know is when it comes to relaying a message to someone even face to face there can be misunderstandings. This is because when one person is relaying their message across to the other person only 14% of the message is heard using actual words, 35% of the message is heard by the tone of voice used, which leaves 51% of the message to be left to nonverbal communication.

   

    I think this is really interesting. A person only hears 14% of the words the other person is saying when they’re trying to communicate, that is not very much. The tone of voice someone uses counts for 35% of the total effectiveness of the message. Tone of voice played a giant role in my house as I was going up, it still does. Whenever I tried to talk to my mom if I became too upset or agitated because she was not understanding me she would put me in check by checking my tone of voice. Why is tone of voice so important when talking to others and trying to get a point across? When a couple explains things and talks in a reasonable tone they are more likely to listen to each other. When the couple start to raise their voices they start to become angry. When they are angry the message gets lost in the anger, hurtful things are said that can cause farther problems.

    It is important to know that when a person is angry 1/3 of the brain shuts down. The part of your brain that shuts down is responsible for reasoning and problem solving. This leaves 51% of a message to be interpreted through non-verbal communication, which in itself can be misleading and dangerous. Non-verbal communication can lead to the biggest misunderstandings. This is because when we are non-verbal the person we are talking to only has our actions and sometimes facial expressions to go off of. The person can misinterpret our actions or expressions as “I’ve made them angrier.” We need to be careful with our expressions and our actions.

    Consensus is coming to a shared agreement. Consensus is different from a compromise. A compromise is focused on one person getting as close to what they want individually instead of what’s better for the couple as a whole. When a couple come to a consensus they are in agreement with each other on a specific course of action or decision. They are focused on what will be best for them as a couple. Communication is important to all relationships. How one communicates is the most important. Remember to listen before you speak, use an effective tone of voice, and in this case your actions do speak louder than words. 

Stress: The reason for it, good and bad

   Stress, one of the perks of being alive. Stress is something we all have, if we don’t have it that means we are dead. We all see stress in different ways. One thing is sure, it is a part of our lives, part of being human. What is stress though? What is the true definition of stress? Stress is a strain or tension. This week in class we discussed the different things in our lives that cause stress. Personally, for me I have college stress, one of the many joys of being a student. I’m always worrying about a paper, when to do a certain homework assignment, and how much I can get done in one night before I call it quits.

   

   In class we focused on what causes individual stress besides school. One answer is family stress. We all have some level of family stress. Many factors play into family stress. The stress of moving, of money, any number of situations can cause stress in the family. So how does one handle family stress effectively? One way to handle stress effectively is to focus on individual stress first and how to better improve yourself.

 It is important to understand, stress is a necessary thing for the structure of the individual. When a person is put in a stressful situation it is how that person handles and perceives the situation that is the most important.

     

    A researcher by the last name of Hill talked about the ABC’s of dealing with stressful situations. “A” is the actual event. What is the event that is causing the stress or strain? “B” is both the resources and responses to the event. How are you going to respond to this event taking place in your life? Once you figure how you’re going to respond your response effects what resources are going to be used. Resources include family, church, and friends, anything else you can think of to help during this time.

   Why are having those types of resources important? When your family is going through a stressful time it can be extremely helpful to lean on family, friends, or church for support. These options help provide not just physical needs depending on the situation, but they can also provide emotional support and stability. While the family is going through what they are, they might not have time to process things emotionally. It is important the family stop and take time to do just that. When the family has the right resources they can turn to the right people for emotional support. They then can turn to each other.

   How a person responds to the situation is equally crucial. When one responds negatively, they won’t think clearly, and effect the whole family. “C” in the model is cognition. How one defines the event. At the end one will have the total experience of the event. Trials are a part of life. How we respond and react to them shapes who we are and how we handle them collectively as a family.

   

   Anxiety and depression. Two different things, with different definition. Anxiety is natural and normal. It is the perception of danger. It is a healthy response to the perception of danger. Depression is a natural, normal and healthy response to a perception of danger where there is no escape. Panic attacks, often called anxiety attacks is the response to a false alarm of danger. Perception is key. How we perceive a danger or situation determines how one reacts. One person may see an event that happened as stressful as all get out, another may not see it as nothing at all. What’s the difference? How the two individuals see or perceive the event.

   Stress is also linked to the development of the person. People who have it too easy do not develop. When we are faced with stress it helps our brains develop because we are thinking of ways to solve the thing that is causing us stress. When we don’t have this that part of our brain slows. The frontal lobe takes up 38% of the brain. This part of the brain is in charge of problem solving and creativity. Stress is a natural part of life. We can learn from the things that cause us stress. We are put on this earth to learn, and what we learn about ourselves and about others can be helpful to others. Remember to take care of yourself, and that stress is a good thing. It is how we perceive or see the thing giving us stress that determines if it really is stressful.  

Intimacy: Sacred and Pure

     I am now a little more than half way done with this semester. I’ve enjoyed all the topics we have discussed in my family class. Some of the topics have been harder than others to write about. This week is particularly hard for me because I’m not quite sure how to go about it. Over the last few weeks I’ve talked about the joy of dating and sacredness of marriage. I was able to share my views on a happy fulfilling marriage looks like to me with ease because it is something I care about and can’t wait for.

  

    This week’s topic however, is uncomfortable because it is about marital intimacy. “The talk” is the one subject we as humans tend to shy away from. Why is this? As parents it can be hard to have that talk with your children. It does not get easier as it goes.

   

   There are different ways to approach this topic with your kids. I personally haven’t had “the talk” with my parents straight out. My father has asked my mom why she hasn’t given me the talk, this was when I was eighteen. Mom explained to dad that I wasn’t oblivious, and that if, and when she does have questions she will ask me. Well I have never asked her, yet.

   

   One way to explain intimacy is by telling your child that there are different ways of being intimate with someone. One way to be intimate is by talking to each other. Communication is key to any relationship. Through communication a couple will learn more about each other and what they are comfortable with when it comes to being physically intimate. Sometimes talking to each other is the best form of intimacy. When a couple talks to each other they are able to talk about anything, if not now then over time. The more conversations had the less confusion there is about who is comfortable with what. Marital intimacy is a certain kind of being intimate and should only be with the one you are married to. Why is this important? We as members of the church view our bodies as sacred gifts from God, a gift to be treasured.

   

   Parents love their children. They love what they can and will become. It is crucial the child understands their worth, to their parents, and to others who love them. One should also try to understand just because they are married does not make everything that goes on behind closed doors ok. Spouses should not demean each other’s dignity, those who do will not stand spotless before God. The intimacy shared between husband and wife is sacred and can be spiritual as well.

   

   Children are a blessing given to us by the Lord. How those children come into the world is equally important as the family they come into. Parents, the most important job you will have in this life besides bringing children into the world, is teaching your children well. It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children what they need to know for life before the world teaches them. The world will teach kids what is acceptable in the world’s eyes. It is the duty of parents to teach first and let the children learn from example.

   

   Children learn best when taught by parents. They learn that marriage and all that entitles is a sacred and pure act. The experiences a married couple go through should only be between husband and wife. Parents, treasure your children. Children, value your parents. They will be your best teachers. They love you beyond words. They will do anything and everything for you. When it is time to have “the talk” listen. It is better to be embarrassed by your parents than by the world and society.